I'm pretty sure 99% of mom's with toddlers have called poison control at least once, if you havent... you most likely will. And it is so shameful.
"Poison control how can I help you?"
"Well, um, my kid just ate my entire stick of deodorant..."
"Ma'am, I just want to make sure I heard you correctly, can you speak up?"
"Yeah my kid at an entire stick of deodorant." I'm pretty sure my neighbors across the street just heard me say that.
"Ma'am, did you just say your kid ate an entire stick of deodorant?"
Well now the entire call center knows what happened too, somebody is going to call CPS I'm sure of it.
"yes that is correct, he ate an entire stick of deodorant."
"Well ma'am, here's instructions, now I need to ask why the deodorant wasn't locked away where your kid couldn't get to it?"
Because I didn't think my 2 year old was dumb enough to eat an entire stick of god damn deodorant.
"I forgot to, um, put it back in the 8 combination triple sealed bulletproof bank grade safe with all the rest of the deodorant."
"I forgot to, um, put it back in the 8 combination triple sealed bulletproof bank grade safe with all the rest of the deodorant."
"Well, ma'am, you need to stop being such a terrible parent." (okay they don't really say this, but its assumed)
I bet they hear some strange stories at poison control. Heck, even I called last year (I have called 3 times total, I'm terrible) because my then 18 month old ate spackle. Yes, the stuff you fix dry walls with. Not out of a jar that we accidentally left out. No. Off the wall. We fixed a patch of dry wall about his height and the kid straight licked it off when we weren't looking. It was that moment right there that I realized I have too much faith in my kid.
I have definitely learned over the years that kids will eat and lick absolutely anything and everything. You cannot be a germaphobe with kids, they don't care like you do. They have zero remorse, and I'm pretty sure they enjoy making you squeam as you watch them lick:
- A baby chicken covered in salmonella at the zoo.
- A baby chicken covered in salmonella at the zoo.
- The grocery cart handle during peak cold & flu season
- Toilet seats at the mall
- The poor dog
- Every chair and door handle in the sick child waiting room at the doctors office
- The walls of Chuckie Cheese's play area right after 5 birthday parties came through
- A slice of cheese they hid under their beds 4 months ago
- The sippy cup of milk you forgot to move from the couch last night
Nothing is off limits to a kid and his mouth. The tasting options are endless, and they will go far and wide to taste every germ filled inch of this Earth. In the mean time, you will find yourself throwing up in your mouth quite a bit. I've learned to accept this.
And in reality, their nasty habits are not confined to their mouths. We got our dog at 3 months old when my son was around 1 and a half. She was not yet potty trained. Day 2 of her being home I ran to the bathroom nearly dying of early pregnancy morning sickness. Crawled out of the bathroom minutes later to find my son and puppy in the kitchen rolling around together in the most ginormous puddle of puppy pee you will ever see. It was like my kid was at the Disney, totally squealing with excitement. My mouth dropped and I just stared. It was one of those moments where you can't even speak, you can't even fathom what you're witnessing, and you stop dead in your tracks. I have unfortunately had plenty of these moments since having kids.
Looking back now, when my first was born I couldn't imagine not slathering him up in hand sanitizer every time someone came within 10 feet of him. I sanitized his bottles and binkies, cloroxed the nursery daily, washed his clothes in extra hot water. Now I just giggle at how naive I was, and grin at other new moms doing the same thing. You have no idea what is in store for you. No idea.
- Every chair and door handle in the sick child waiting room at the doctors office
- The walls of Chuckie Cheese's play area right after 5 birthday parties came through
- A slice of cheese they hid under their beds 4 months ago
- The sippy cup of milk you forgot to move from the couch last night
Nothing is off limits to a kid and his mouth. The tasting options are endless, and they will go far and wide to taste every germ filled inch of this Earth. In the mean time, you will find yourself throwing up in your mouth quite a bit. I've learned to accept this.
And in reality, their nasty habits are not confined to their mouths. We got our dog at 3 months old when my son was around 1 and a half. She was not yet potty trained. Day 2 of her being home I ran to the bathroom nearly dying of early pregnancy morning sickness. Crawled out of the bathroom minutes later to find my son and puppy in the kitchen rolling around together in the most ginormous puddle of puppy pee you will ever see. It was like my kid was at the Disney, totally squealing with excitement. My mouth dropped and I just stared. It was one of those moments where you can't even speak, you can't even fathom what you're witnessing, and you stop dead in your tracks. I have unfortunately had plenty of these moments since having kids.
Looking back now, when my first was born I couldn't imagine not slathering him up in hand sanitizer every time someone came within 10 feet of him. I sanitized his bottles and binkies, cloroxed the nursery daily, washed his clothes in extra hot water. Now I just giggle at how naive I was, and grin at other new moms doing the same thing. You have no idea what is in store for you. No idea.
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