Preparing for War

After 3 years and 2 kids, I've come to realize that being a mom is no damn joke. Things happen daily that just make you stop and reevaluate your decision to have the little terrorists in the first place, what was I thinking? There is no such thing as being 'ready to be a parent,' heck that's like saying, "I was ready to dive head first into a lions den with steak strapped around my waste." No. Just no. All the baby books in the world cannot prepare you for the amount of crap a baby can get from its toes up into its hair, all over your clothes, and onto the floor, while standing in line at American Eagle. Or how the walls of all grocery stores perfectly echo the screams of a blatantly overreacting toddler flailing mindlessly around the seat of the cart... while absolutely. everybody. stares. No one tell you that no matter how much you clean, there will always be this weird sticky feeling to random things in your house from your kids, and it will only remain clean until the moment the toddler steps out of his room after a nap. No baby book ever addressed how much a baby can spit up in a public place (it's a shit ton.) And spit up makes the loudest splat as it hits the floor in the grocery store. Run away quickly before anyone notices or slips in it. As you are reading those baby books you will never envision yourself thoroughly examining a kids poop (why is it blue?!) or picking their nose for them (that booger has got to go!) And cheering somebody on to go poop in a toilet is just not in your life game plan, but it happens daily right now. Read all the baby books in the world. Research all you want. You will never be prepared for what life as a parent has in store. However, there is something far worse than all this that you will not be prepared for... from the moment you get pregnant you join a silent war raging against each and every mother. Parents-to-be, put your war face on and keep it on till your kids move out! No matter what you feed your child, no matter how much or how little you care about your kids health, wherever your child goes to school, no matter what you do with your child... there is always some mom doing god damn google research who is ready to shove her google degree opinion down your throat till you choke on it and accept defeat. Or cry. Whichever comes first. This kind of reminds you of high school, but while you're getting bullied by google degree mom, you're covered in spit up and snacking on leftover goldfish crackers thrown all over the couch cushion next to you. Life is strange now, but I like it.